loss of cat companion

Question
Hi, Ali
We just had to put down our darling Prissy (10 years old) after several weeks of declining health. Our vet diagnosed bone marrow cancer. Her buddy is Trouble, who was adopted from the shelter with her and who is already noticing something strange in our home. Before we adopted these two, we lost two of our three cats who were in their 20s. The youngest was 13, but quite lively until she lost her friends and then she stopped eating. We lost her as well. We don't want the same thing to happen to Trouble. We are considering adopting another cat to keep Trouble company. In your answer to another cat parent whose cat was in  mourning, you didn't suggest introducing another companion cat. Do you recommend this to avoid depression? Trouble is female and a calico. Would a male kitten be less threatening to her than another female? We had thought about a young rescue cat, but after reading several blogs, wonder if a kitten (6-8 weeks old)might be a better fit. Trouble is a real people cat. She loves people because she was hand fed by the shelter manager's wife when her mother was killed. She didn't always get along with Prissy, but they had always been together and missed each other when separated.I hope this isn't too much information, but we love our little cat and want to do what is best for her. It's devastating to lose your little ones. Thanks for any advice you can give us. Tinah.

Answer
Tinah,

The answer that you are referring to was in response to a different situation, the owner adopted two 13 week old litter mates. One kitten was accidentally injured and succumbed to traumatic injuries sustained by a person tripping over one of the kittens. Given the severity of the situation I felt it was prudent to recommend that the owners learn to prevent any future injuries as a result of the same mechanism of injury with the remaining kitten. I thought that it was best for the owners to become comfortable with a training technique that I like to call "the kitten shuffle" so that similar accidental injuries could be prevented in the future. I felt that it was best for these owners to put off adopting another kitten/kittens until they learned humane behavioral modification techniques to prevent the remaining kitten from sustaining similar injuries. It is important to ensure that kittens be taught as early as possible to stay out from under foot so that the safety of any new feline family members could be guaranteed.

My heart goes out to you at this tough time....I know how difficult it is to have to say good-bye to special feline friends that seem to sneak into our hearts, especially when their passing is a result of sudden serious illness. I would like to reassure you that Trouble's reaction to this situation is completely normal. You can expect Trouble to show signs of grief. In fact it has been my experience that cats left behind after the loss of a housemate tend to be aware of the pain that their human parents are experiencing.

Just before Christmas I came perilously close to losing my 9 year old tortoiseshell cat, MC (short for Miracle Cat) when her kidneys suddenly stopped functioning properly. I was completely devastated because I hand raised MC and we have a special bond with each other. MC came to live with me after I responded to a "free to a good home, 7 week old kittens" ad. I had recently lost another special cat due to a sudden illness. I went to see this litter not having decided whether or not I would wind up providing a home for a kitten so soon. When I first saw MC I really thought that she was the most beautiful kitten that I had ever seen. I was disheartened to find that she was only about a week old however the owner threatened to drown the litter if I didn't take them, from that day forward this spunky little girl has lived with me. In fact even now I can count on my hands the number of days that we have spent apart prior to her hospitalization. We made a late night visit to the 24 hour emergency vet clinic where the vet on duty wasn't optimistic about MC's chances for survival. I brought the x-ray and blood results to my family vet first thing in the morning and we started treatment. The blood results weren't terribly reassuring a day later and my vet's partner prepared me for the potential that MC would lose her fight. Needless to say, I was absolutely devastated at the thought of losing my precious little girl. I wasn't too surprised that the other two cats seemed to sense how broken hearted we were. MC's "brother" and "sister" kept trying their very best to ease our pain by purring peace into our hearts and pouring love and comfort out of their tiny hearts. I thought that sharing this story would help you to have a better understanding of what is going on with Trouble and how she feels. Trouble is probably still a quite confused and she is trying her best to help her human family get through this tough time with high doses of pure love. It's quite possible that Trouble doesn't quite understand where Prissy is and she could well be wondering what happened to her. I have found that whether two cats living within the same household are the best of friends or seem only to tolerate each other's presence they are important to each other and in my opinion cats do feel loss and grieve for their friend. I believe that Trouble is grieving and she can certainly sense your broken heart. I am also quite sure that she is trying her best to   comfort her humans and cope with the loss of Prissy.

I have a wonderful holistic veterinarian who treats my animals with all of the love and respect that they deserve and she offers insight and opinions that I respect. Dr. Ann (as we call her) has noticed some anecdotal evidence that different coat coloring can sometimes go hand in hand with certain personality traits and/or medical issues. I do realize that these anecdotal observations don't have any current scientific findings to support or refute their validity. I do admit that I have often been surprised at the accuracy of these observations when it comes to predicting personality traits based on the color of a cat's coat. I certainly agree with the good doctor's observations regarding personality traits in cats with calico/tortie coloring. Cats with calico and tortie coloring tend to be somewhat dominant with other cats in the household and they can certainly be demanding when it comes to asking for their share (and often more) of attention...My oldest and youngest cats are both torties and I routinely act as a referee between the girls because they are both absolutely certain that their place is located directly in the center of the universe. This would be so much easier if there was only one cat trying to be the center of the universe and vying for constant attention and affection.

I have no doubt that you loved Prissy very deeply and I have no doubt that she has left precious paw prints on your heart. Cherish Prissy's special qualities and don't be afraid to look in your memory for funny things that she has done, different habits and her personality. This is a completely normal and healthy way of grieving. I know that some people don't understand the impact that a cat can have on your heart. Everybody grieves at a different pace and you need to allow yourself that time. It's okay to miss Prissy and find her loss difficult. Don't allow people to convince you that Prissy was "just a cat" it sounds to me like you loved this little girl deeply and you miss her terribly. As far as I am concerned, cats are true and loyal friends that are always happy to see you and spend quality time with you. Cats don't care who you are, how much money you make or what clothes are on your back, they love you for who you are and you get your 15 minutes of fame every time you come home no matter what kind of day you have had.

The fact that Trouble was hand fed may well mean that she would prefer to be an only cat. Some hand raised cats are more people focused which is how you describe Trouble's personality. There is nothing wrong with not making an immediate decision, it's perfectly okay to take a wait and see approach to see whether or not you would like a second cat and how Trouble copes with the grieving process before you make a final decision. You may find that Trouble could benefit from a few doses of a homeopathic remedy called Bach's Rescue Remedy which is a blend of flower essences that helps to calm and reassure. This remedy is very safe and it is used worldwide by some pet owners and vets as a treatment for anxiety and shock. You may find that Trouble doesn't react with shock or anxiety, if there are other behavioral signs that you would like to address with a homeopathic remedy you can usually ask floor staff where Bach's remedies are sold if they have a reference wheel available to match signs/symptoms to appropriate remedies. Rescue Remedy is generally available in health food/natural health stores. If Trouble needs Rescue Remedy I would recommend that you start giving her about 6 drops of Rescue Remedy in fresh water each morning.

Some vets will  prescribe anti-anxiety/anti-depressant medications to treat anxiety and depression. These medications are usually small doses of human anti-anxiety/anti-depressant medicines. The use of these powerful psychotropic medications is not without risk or side effects so the decision to treat anxiety or depression using therapeutic doses of mind altering shouldn't be taken lightly. If your vet suggests this form of treatment take some time to consider whether or not you are comfortable with these drugs being used to treat your cat. Before making a final decision take the time to do your research and find out what the potential risks or side effects associated with veterinary use of these powerful medicines are.

It's normal for cats to grieve when they lose a member of their family whether the loved one is a person or another pet. It's important to watch for any dramatic changes in Trouble's behavior that may indicate illness such as lethargy, loss of appetite, increased vocalization, depression. If Trouble exhibits any of these symptoms I would recommend that you have her examined by your family vet promptly to be sure that she hasn't become ill in addition to grieving for her lost friend. Some people believe that cats aren't actually grieving for the lost family member, but rather the change in their territory which I can't say that I agree with. Contrary to popular belief cats are capable of forming deep bonds with other cats in a household and their human guardians. It's true that cats are very territorial and they don't like sudden changes in their territory, but they aren't cold, self-centered and heartless beings by any stretch of the imagination.

I would like to pass on a special piece of writing that I have found soothing after losing precious four legged family members.

                    The Rainbow Bridge
                  Written by: Paul C. Dahm

There is a bridge connecting heaven and Earth.
It is called the Rainbow Bridge because of its many colors. Just this side of the Rainbow Bridge is a land of meadows, hills and valleys, all of it covered with lush green grass.
When a beloved pet dies, the pet goes to this lovely land. There is always food and water and warm spring weather. There, the old and frail animals are young again. Those who are maimed are made whole once more. The play all day with each other, content and comfortable.
There is only one thing missing. They are not with the special person who loved them on Earth. So each day they run and play until the day comes when one suddenly stops playing and looks up! Then, the nose twitches! The ears are up! The eyes are staring! You have been seen, and that one suddenly runs from the group!
You take him or her into your arms and embrace. Your face is kissed again and again and again, and you look once more into the eyes of your trusting pet.
Then, together, you cross the Rainbow Bridge, never again to be separated.

I would suggest that you take some time to grieve for Prissy before you decide whether or not to open your home to another cat or kitten. It's okay to wait until your heart is able to accept the idea of having another cat in your home. It's also important that you not try to pretend that your grief doesn't exist by rushing out to fill the void that Prissy has left in your heart by adopting a kitten immediately. It's impossible to replace Prissy's special presence in your home. No other cat will ever take Prissy's place. Every person and pet deals with grief at their own pace and in different ways. If you feel that it would be a healing experience for you and your family to offer a permanent home to a special rescued feline, it is important to realize that only you can know for sure when you are able to adopt a new cat/kitten. I would recommend that you do what feels right when it feels right.

In terms of information about proper new cat/kitten introductions with an established resident cat you can certainly check through any number of my previous answers to get any tips that you may need to help things go as smoothly as possible. I would recommend that you look at a 6-12 week old kitten or a submissive older cat that has been spayed/neutered to have the smoothest introductions possible. I routinely recommend that litters of kittens stay with their siblings and mother for a minimum of 10-12 weeks to help them learn important social skills and limits surrounding how rough they can get. Bite inhibition is a very important skill that young kittens learn from their mother and littermates. I am sure that you will agree that bite inhibition is an important skill for cats and kittens to learn, especially if you have ever had the pleasure of being used for hunt/stalk/kill practice. You can also find tips to help teach basic kitty manners in previous answers if you need them.

These adoption guidelines are based on ideal conditions. It's possible that you might not be able to adopt based on these recommendations when you adopt a new family member from your local SPCA, Humane Society or animal rescue league. The cats and kittens available for adoption will likely come from a variety of different situations including abandonment by owner, cruelty seizures and owner surrenders. Depending on the shelter's policy you may not be able to access detailed information about a cat/kitten that you would like to adopt until after the papers are filed. Sometimes this policy is to protect privacy or prevent impulse adoptions based on horrible life histories that many pets rescued from animal shelters have in common. Don't head to your local shelter if you are short on time. I would suggest that you take your time looking for your new fur baby.

Bring along family members so that everybody has the opportunity to participate in the adoption process. I wouldn't recommend that you bring along children younger than 5-6 years of age as the time it may take to choose your new family member could potentially be quite difficult for a younger child to tolerate. To be honest, if your family includes children you know them best. If you know that bringing younger children along will result in a constant case of the "gimmes", "mines" or "I wants" it may be best to only bring older children and adults to the shelter as you may not be able to concentrate on the personality and temperament of each cat or kitten you are considering. Try to spend some time in a quiet room in the shelter with any cats or kittens that you are considering adopting if your shelter has a socialization/pre-adoption counseling room. I recommend that you give any potential new family members time to walk around, play and see how responsive they are with you. This will give you a more complete picture of the cat/kitten's temperament and personality and help you to decide whether or not a kitty you have chosen is appropriate for your household.

It's quite unlikely that you will get an entirely accurate picture of each cat's personality in an average shelter environment because these environments can be far from ideal and are often very stressful for cats. An advantage of adopting an older kitten or young adult cat is that their personalities are set and you will have a better idea of what to expect from them. It's a good idea to read the shelter cards if they are available as they can sometimes provide information about the cat and whether she has lived in the shelter or has spent time in foster care. If the cat you are considering providing a permanent adoptive home for has spent time in foster care the volunteer foster parents can often provide valuable information about a cat's routines, how they are with other animals, favorite toys, food preferences, medical issues (if any) and personality. There isn't anything wrong with asking shelter staff to provide information about a specific cat or kitten before you decide to bring him home. Shelter staff want to be sure that you and the cat are a good match because they want to be sure that every animal gets a good permanent home. It's important that you don't choose to bring a cat or kitten into your home simply because you feel sorry for her. The decision to provide a home for a kitten is a lifetime commitment ranging from 10-20+ years.

I am a firm believer in the idea that you don't choose a cat or kitten for your home, he chooses you. I would recommend that you make adoption from the local animal shelter or rescue league your first choice, these adoptions save countless lives every year. Regardless of the age of feline you choose to adopt I would recommend that you try to choose a cat or kitten with a laid back personality because as some calicos are high strung and dominant with other cats. You may find that a nice tabby who purrs a lot would fit in nicely. I would recommend that you avoid adopting a cat that closely resembles Prissy to avoid placing subconscious expectations on your new family member because no other cat will measure up to Prissy's legacy.

I do hope that you have found this information helpful. Your family, Trouble and Prissy will be in my thoughts. If you have any further questions, concerns or you would simply like to send an update or some pictures my way, please don't hesitate to contact me again. I am also willing to offer temporary support if you need someone to listen.