Dirty Bird

Question
I have a seven year old African Gray female named Kona.  She absolutely HATES water. I'm beginning to think I am the only parrot partner in the world that has a parrot who would rather die than bathe.  I tried spritzing, that brought on a near heart attack. I've tried putting a bigger bowl in her cage, that appeared as a hostile invasion to which she declared war. I've tried putting her in a shower, but she thrashes around so badly I'm scared she'll hurt herself and I've even resorted to dunking, which well, I have a scar on my right hand from the one time ever she's resorted to violence. I know she needs something, but I'm so scared of stressing her beyond her limits that I just don't.  I make sure her cage is clean and she allows me to clean her beak.  Anything more, is too much as we've already had a few bouts with plucking. What to do? When I have managed to get her wet and we both survived, she sits there angered shivering and refuses to put any of her feathers back in order.  As funny as she looks with the popcorn feather look, I worry that she doesn't get regular baths.

Answer
Haha! You are not alone! Kona sounds just like my 'Too, Kai. Spraying her doesn't work because it was used as a punishment in her previous home, the big bowl of water scares her to death and she feels she must punch as many holes in it as possible, showers just make give her opportunity to eat my curtain and shampoo bottles. I usually only completely soak Kai when she's either molting or getting VERY dirty or dusty. To do this, I put her in the bottom of the tub and chase her around with the hand-held shower head until she's nice and soaked. Then I dry her a little with a towel and she refuses to preen, so she just looks scruffy for the day. When there are just small dirty spots or she needs just a "misting" amount of water, I wet my hands and pet her. She hates it and will back away from me, but she can't resist having her neck scratched, so she'll come back once I dry my hands. Once she's content being scratched, I'll dunk one of my hands in water and pet her-cleaning all the really dirty spots. When she notices she's wet, I show her my dry hand and she accepts that it isn't me causing her "evil bath" and lets me go back to petting/bathing her.
If you are afraid to soak her, you can soak a towel in warm/hot water and wrap her in it, and "pet" the towel so that the water seeps into her feathers. Then let her loose and scruff her up a little with the wet towel. Praise her a LOT and give her treats and pet her until she's dry. Some birds love hair dryers, just make sure it's not teflon-coated.
Hopefully she gets clean soon!

Oh! I forgot one other trick. It doesn't completely soak them, but it works for the light misting. Take a REALLY hot long shower (or just run the shower) and don't turn on the bathroom fan. Steam that bathroom up, then put Kona in a small cage in the bathroom. Her feathers will get damp from the steam, and as the room cools down, she will gradually cool down and dry off. This gradual approach takes a while, but it is pretty much stress-less and there is no chance of her getting cold because the temperature change is so gradual