my dog is out of control

Question
My boss gave me two dogs- a female german shepherd and a male lab, both fixed and both about 4-5 years old. The female was dominate and hogged all attention with constant playtime. These dogs did not grow up together; they became companions for a short amount of time before I got them. I found out I was pregnant when I got them and became too tired to spend enough time with them so one of my coworkers said he'd take them both. But he only took the german shepherd and never came for the black lab. He told me he didn't care about the lab, he said to "kill it." So I kept him. I brought him indoors and take him outside to use the bathroom and play. I kept him in the garage at night because my husband didn't want him pooping in the house while we were asleep but each night he did something different- he tore up two door frames and two rolls of insulation. So I got a crate. Everything was fine until the dog spazzed out and escaped from the crate and then squeezed his whole body through 4 inch wide iron bars to get to the front yard. I found the crate tipped on its side with the door bent inside and blood on the ground, He came back when I started calling for him. I checked him for cuts and he had a few on his belly and in his mouth from chewing. He's an escape artist! So far he's gotten out of the crate, he won't stay in the backyard (he gets out by jumping over a leaning section), he chewed through a leash, broke through the porch all in an attempt to be free and I'm assuming be inside with me. He's too afraid of my husband to come near him or walk on a leash. If my husband tries to take the dog outside he pees. Also, the dog is too afraid to even eat- the last few days have gotten better- he'll eat when I'm watching over him. I'm leaving lots of stuff out I'm sure but its the jist. I love this dog. my husband can't take it anymore but he's giving it another shot- mostly because I'm pregnant and he knows how much I love this dog. I can't bear to take him to a shelter where I know he'll be put to sleep. No one will take him from me because he's too afraid of everyone else except me and he's already old. I want to make this work. I'm willing to do whatever it is I need to do to help this dog. He's my buddy but my husband is my husband and I can't keep making him put up with this. What do I need to do? I've been reading everything I can but this problem is too specific. I think this dogs past has more to do with it then just his breed... Maybe I am totally wrong though. Please help. What I want is for him to be able to be in the house without going into hysterics with separation anxiety and tearing up my things or the house. I need him to understand that me and my husband love him and don't want to hurt him.

Answer
I really don't think you are to be blamed for all the problems.  Some dogs are just very difficult.  I think you neeed keep him in a crate in the house with you.  If your husband would tolerate it, even in your bedroom.  You need to find a crate that will hold him.  Try  http://www.elitek9.com/Crates/index.htm

Obedience training would help.  The key to most behavior problems is approaching things using the dog's natural instincts. Dogs see all the people and dogs in the household as a pack with each having their own rank in the pack and a top dog. Life is much easier if the 2 legged pack members outrank the 4 legged ones. You can learn to play the role of top dog by reading some books or going to a good obedience class. A good obedience class or book is about you being top dog, not about rewarding standard commands with a treat.

There are other things to do to build up his confidence and his trust in you.  ''Elevation for small puppies: Sit on the floor and gently put your hands around your pup's middle, below his front legs, and lift him up. He is facing you. Hold him for 15 seconds. Repeat until he no longer struggles. If he is past 10-12 weeks, lift his front feet off the ground, but don't pick him up.

Cradling for small puppies: Hold your puppy gently on his back, as you would cradle a small baby. If he struggles, hold him firmly until he quiets for 10-15 seconds. With larger pups, you can do this as your sit on the floor, with your pup between your legs.

Quiet lying down: Place your pup on the floor on his side, with all 4 legs pointing away from you. Use your hands on his neck/shoulder area and middle, to hold him in this position. When he is quiet, praise him. Lengthen the time that you keep him quietly in this position. When he accepts this position well, handle his paws and muzzle, while keeping him quiet.''

The quotes mean this isn't my original work. It is copied from my Puppy Raising Manual. I have long used these or minor variations of them, and they are very effective. You may want to give him a belly rub while he is on his back too. Helps bonding. There is a big difference between him rolling over and demanding a belly rub, and you choosing a time to roll him over and rub his belly. The latter cements your place as pack leader.