Male Cat Playing Rough/Aggressive

Question
We added a younger, smaller female cat to our one-cat household over a month ago. We have kept her separated from the male during this time except for some feedings (she was spayed, so we kept them completely apart for a few weeks). He is about 2 years (we think) and neutered.

Anyway, the past week, we've had them together for a few hours at a time each day. They appear used to each other after spending several weeks playing with each other under the door. There are no problems with either cat spraying or showing aggression when we first let out the female. In fact, they rub heads and immediately head towards the kitchen for treats.

However, after about 15 minutes or so, the male cat usually begins "grooming" the female. She tolerates it and even seems to enjoy it for a couple minutes. But then she seems to get annoyed and tries to push him off or get away. In turn, the male forces her down so he can continue licking her, even grabbing her neck to assure his control. Well, the female gets very mad and begins hissing and batting.

What happens is usually she gets away and jumps on a chair. After a few minutes of peace, the male approaches her and they "play" bat at each other. There's no hissing or growling at this point. But this always escalates into a wrestling match, with the female hissing and growling. The male never makes a peep, and his ears don't go back.

To me, it looks like he's playing too rough for her. She warns him of this, but it just becomes and even more fun game to him. But this is my first time with two cats, so I don't know if I'm properly interpreting this behaviour.

Several things I have read suggest breaking up the fight with a water gun (which I've tried---they just go back to it after a few minutes). Other people suggest letting them duke it out (if it's a dominance issue) so they can establish a hierarchy.

I guess I just don't know what to do because they actually do seem to like each other. The male cat even talks to her when she's hiding or in another room. It sounds friendly to me. I've heard him angry before, and he's definitely not angry when he's asking for her to come out.

I guess I just don't know if it could be a dominance thing and if I should let them at it or keep breaking them up. How can I keep the male cat from being so rough with her, even if he's just playing? It seems almost constant. But then there's about 45 minutes where they'll both settle down and nap---sometimes right next to each other.

Any advice you could offer would be greatly appreciated! Thank you!

Answer
Hi Desi,

I had a smile on my face when I read your letter. I have two cats who do the same. One minute they are are the best buds and grooming each other and then the next the fur is flying. It's part dominance, part play behavior.  It's something that they will keep up for the rest of their lives; but as they get older they will do it less frequently. Play behavior looks really fierce. You can try a product called Feliway. It is a cat pheromone product and acts as a kitty tranquilizer. I wouldn't suggest using water to  break up the fights. As long as they are not really hurting each other let them do their thing. Good luck and let me know what happens.

Ciao, Karen