loss of confidence

Question
HI.

I have ridden all my life.  I have hunted and competed at low level.  I had a bit of break when I lost my horses due to a nasty divorce but have kept my hand in.  I got a new horse three years ago and although it is now 8yrs he acts like 5yrs.  I have not done as much with him as I wanted because he is so changeable.  I just don't know which horse is going to show up.  the people at the farm where I keep him have said I have lost my confidence now.  I have done a bit of Parelli groundwork but I think he needs a firmer hand.  I don't feel as though I have lost my confidence and I now have a horse that no one wants to go out with and when he does go out with them it feels as though we are a pain as he is slower than the bigger horses and that is even if I can get him to go any further than the drive before he plants and then turns around to go home.  I have tried patience and waiting for his catatonic fear to subside.  I have tried smacking him, not too much as I don't agree with it.  When he argues it's a real battle of wills.  He will back into anywhere, he would back off the edge of cliff at those times he is insistent of not wanting to go forward.

I just don't know where to regain my confidence or whatever it is I have lost.  I have been to riding schools and ridden their horses and other people's, I feel fine, it's just this horse I am in a stuck place with.

He is con x id.  15.2hh.  Very handsome and I know he is really quick to learn.  But he can learn something and then just balk at it next time.  he has been out all summer.  He is in at night and out during the day in winter.

He will not go into my wagon anymore either, just stubborn as a mule.  Any tips?

Frustrated and sad.

Answer
Hi Joanna!

This sounds like the terrible combination of a willful, headstrong gelding in his teen-age years where defiance and an "Oh Yeah?!?! Make me!!" attitude are in direct opposites with your too kind, non-threatening disposition.  I will be blunt.  This is the wrong horse for you and you know it.  You must forgive him and yourself, acknowledge that no one failed or did anything really wrong and both of you should move on.

Sell or give him to a much more aggressive rider who understands the necessity of a firm and unrelenting hand with a difficult and disrespectful mount.  I am not advocating beating him with a 2x4.  I am saying he needs swift consequences to his actions and you are not the person to give them to him.  It's just a bad match all around.
I have been given 4 or 5 geldings all between the ages of 5 and 8 who have done serious damage mentally and physically to their older, passive woman owners.  You are not the first or last woman to have this issue, believe me.

You must now think with your head and not your heart.  You will be doing him a great disservice if you do not allow him to go to a more well-matched riding partner so he may learn how to be trusting and trusted with humans.  Well trained horses live long and healthy lives with caring and dedicated owners.  Yours needs to be given that chance.

As for yourself....I advise taking a break from the saddle.  Keep your hand in as you said....think about volunteering at a horse rescue or a barn that specializes in riding for the handicapped.  Those horse have hearts of gold and will help to restore your confidence and faith in the importance of the horse and human relationship.

Good luck and remember to always wear an ASTM/SEI approved helmet!

Solange