stable management

Question
My roommate has a trainer that throws a fit to anyone standing around (except a high-dollar client, of course) when even the smallest thing is out of place. He is disrespectful to her and all clients that can't afford a $100,000 horse, and often demands her to complete tasks that she has neither agreed to or is responsible for. She can't even touch her own horse without his permission, and he will often not give her a lesson that she has worked for because she has not completed the ever changing and never ending list of things for her to do. She pays full board and is supposed to work off the training fees by cleaning stalls six days a week, but often gets dragged into doing other things that take her many hours to complete. Then the trainer actually complains every time he passes her demanding why can't she get the tasks that she does not have to do, faster. She puts up with it because she wants to learn from this guy, but I am worried that she is allowing this person to stomp all over her. Her self esteem has never been stellar, and I am worried about how this treatment will affect her. Am I being too over-protective? What would you suggest?
He is a good trainer, and does win all the ribbons. He pushes people to be better, and has quality horses. I used to work for the guy in exchange for lessons, but found his behavoir abusive, so I quit. But even I worked for a full three months without the compensation of a lesson, before I quit. He is oddly afraid of me, and won't let me near his barn. Is his behavoir damaging to her? Or should I just let him dump on her in the hope that she learns from him and moves on?

Answer
Tina, you are a wonderful friend to take such an interest!  I know the situation your friend is facing all too well.  There are several angles going on here that must all be considered fairly.  

When a trainer is good at what he/she does, and when he/she has prestigious clients happily paying top dollar for their services, there then becomes a strain on the trainer's time.  When this occurs, the trainer has every right, and is fully expected to start choosing just who they will teach.  It is very reasonable for these trainers to expect and demand that their riders respect their time and take the sport seriously.  Some trainers require specific gear, attire, and levels of neatness.  Trainers that are tough on their less financially capable students are usually so because they firmly believe that these students are the ones who will truly become successful in the industry.  When this is the case, the trainer typically is preparing them for the reality of the harsh and often thankless career.  Sadly, some trainers have been known to cross the line and use or abuse their riders.  When this happens nobody benefits.

The best suggestion I can offer is to ask your friend how she feels about the situation.  Be as best a listener as you can and let her talk.  Feel free to ask her questions comparing her current situation to her ideal situation.  Ask her if she's proud of her work.  Ask her where she see herself in five years both as a worker and as a rider.  As you listen to her answers be sure not to lead her to any conclusions.  She will have to make conclusions her own.  If you hear she is unhappy with things, ask her what, if any, steps she has taken to improve the situation.  Then you can begin to ask her if she wants any advice.  If she does, then you could advise her to have a discussion with her trainer in which they clearly define what each other's expectations are.  It is certainly acceptable to do so and even more acceptable(smart too) to have the expectations down in writing.  This will help the trainer be more mindful of his promises and help your friend feel more strength from her accomplishments.  This will also allow her to see when she is not receiving what is due to her.  At this point she will have some fire power to demand her requests.  If she is unable to receive what has been promised, then if she decides to leave she will do so knowing clearly why.  Doing so in such a formal way prevents any misunderstandings, regrets, burnt bridges, and hard feelings.  

Ultimately as a friend, you have to support her decision, whatever it may be.  And you will have to allow her to make the decision free of influence from anything other than the facts at hand.  Good luck to both of you.  I hope I was able to help.