My new cat and I adjusting to each other.

Question
Hello, I've recently acquired an adorable kitty (I say kitty, but she's about 2 years old) from a friend of mine, who was fostering her.  My cat was also with another foster parent previous to this.  It's been about a month now, maybe a little over, and while I am completely, one hundred percent smitten with my little furry lady, bringing a new cat into my household (a three bedroom apartment I share with two other girls and one other cat, that by the way I just moved into) has seemed to cause some cat drama.  For one, the two cats, both female, do not get along.  The older one stays in her room all day and doesn't come out, and just has a very sad, depressed disposition about her that only started when I brought my cat home.  My roommate has moved her food into her bedroom and everything, and will occasionally transfer the litter box also.  My cat just wants to play, but the other one isn't having it.  My roommates also keep trying to diagnose my cat with different problems, ranging from dehydration to worms to skin disorders, however a recent trip to the vet proved the accusations to be incorrect.  Still, it's at times tense and awkward with my roommates, even though I talked to both of them about getting her beforehand.  Now, the real kicker is that I work, and also I am not home perhaps one to two nights a week at most, when I stay with my boyfriend.  He comes over most of the time, but it works better for both of our schedules if we sometimes alternate whose home we stay in.  My cat will cry and cry and scratch at doors when I'm not there overnight, which understandably irritates the hell out of my roommates.  I could leave her in my bedroom with the door closed, with both food and litter box inside, but I hate the thought of locking her up, which is what my roommates have resorted to in the past.  I want to make this clear: I am not, by any means, gone every night. Like I said, it's a couple of times a week at most.  My vet, plus every cat owner I've talked to, says that I have to teach her to be independent, and that I shouldn't come running every time she cries, and she should learn to be left alone.  I shouldn't baby her.  I feel terrible about leaving her, but I can't necessarily stay home all hours either.  I'm home with her a lot to begin with.  So, I guess my question is, how do I create stability?  I love her to pieces and if I was doing anything to be a "bad mommy" I would feel absolutely terrible, and of course stop doing it immediately.  How do I adjust my life, my cat's life, and how do I make it easier amongst my roommates and I?

Answer
Lauren,

In all honesty it seems like this kitty has been through quite a bit in her short life up to this point. I don't necessarily agree that your kitty needs to be taught independence or given a tough love approach. I really think that your new feline companion has been somewhat traumatized by a complete lack of stability throughout her life ~ it really sounds like she's been bounced from home to home with little regard for the potential harm that could have caused her psychologically. Overall I think that this baby girl needs plenty of patience, time to bond and TLC in order for her to heal from the scars of her past. You need to remember that this kitty's scenery and life has changed completely overnight as she's bounced from home to home repeatedly over the course of the last two years so she really needs time to understand that your home and your heart aren't just temporary places for her.

Contrary to the beliefs of some scientists the reality is that cats have feelings and they have the capacity to grieve the loss of people and pets that they've bonded with and in this case I suspect that there's a certain amount of psychological trauma involved that could very well be causing or contributing to your kitty's behaviors. While these issues irritate your roommates when you're not around 1-2 nights per week I'm sure that the anxiety and separation anxiety caused by her fear of losing you (being the human that's been attempting to create a good bond with her over the course of the time that she's lived with you) are so much more difficult for your kitty. This is a potentially volatile situation when it comes to your roommates because they're irritated by your little fur kid's expressions of anxiety which could result in you and your kitty being forced to find a new place to live. In order to properly work with your kitty and help her to understand that you will come home to her when you leave her I really think that you need to start off with these three suggestions:

1) Bach's Rescue Remedy

This is a homeopathic remedy made up of 5 flower essences that's designed to deal with anxiety, trauma, fear, etc. I always keep a minimum of one bottle on hand in our feline first aid kit because this remedy is incredibly effective in terms of helping cats who have been through a lot come back around and be less anxious. You can generally find Rescue Remedy in health food stores, naturopathic pharmacies and in some mainstream pharmacies in the area where the store displays their vitamins and nutritional supplements. At this point I'd recommend administering 4-6 drops of Rescue Remedy as often as your girl needs a dose one drop at a time by gently rubbing each drop into the skin on the outside of kitty's ear flap. You can gently work a drop at a time of Rescue Remedy into the relatively fur free area of skin in front of your kitty's ears or the inside of the ear flap provided that you're very careful to ensure that you don't accidentally allow the remedy to drip into her ears because the flower essences are preserved in a grape alcohol solution which will sting if your kitty's got any irritation in her ears or scratches. Rescue Remedy also tends to work really well if in addition to rubbing some of the drops into your kitty's ear flaps you place a single drop on the top of kitty's head and gently go about rubbing it into the skin. The beautiful thing about using Rescue Remedy and most other homeopathic remedies is the fact that provided you use common sense you can't hurt your kitty, unlike conventional drugs you're pretty unlikely to hurt your kitty with an accidental overdose because the remedies are extremely safe. That's not to say that you want to give your kitty a whole bottle of Rescue Remedy on any given day but if she gets an extra drop or two or even ten at a time there's no need to panic because she'll be completely safe.

2) During the process of helping your kitty to overcome her separation anxiety I'd strongly recommend that you put a temporary ban on overnight visits away from home unless you bring your kitty with you (which will hopefully appease your roommates and reduce the tension in the household that can negatively influence your kitty). In my experience I've learned that boyfriends who truly love their partners will be more understanding, particularly when you've been put in a difficult position so hopefully he'll be a bit more patient than your roommates are while you work the whole thing out and get your kitty feeling completely comfortable and safe even when you're not home.

3) I really do think that it would be in your kitty's best interests as well as your own to seek out a homeopathic vet or a veterinarian trained in the use of homeopathy with plenty of experience practicing homeopathy on cats. There are a couple of reasons for this suggestion including:

    ~ The possibility that your kitty may have other issues hiding underneath her current separation-type anxiety attacks that are related directly to the lack of stability in her life up to this point. In my experience any kitty that's been bounced from home to home to home throughout their lives will generally have other insecurities that may manifest themselves behaviourally in terms of how these kitties handle stressful situations which is why it's a good idea for an experienced, properly trained homeopathic/holistic vet (trained and experienced in the use of homeopathy) to periodically re-assess your kitty as necessary and prescribe appropriate remedies to treat your kitty's issues as her symptoms/behavioural issues change over time.

    ~ I am generally uncomfortable with conventional medicine's answer for kitties with anxiety issues that cause unwanted behaviours which is usually to prescribe powerful psychotropic medications such as anti-depressant/anxiety type drugs. The use of these drugs really isn't without potential risks or side effects and I really haven't seen enough studies that show the use of these drugs over an extended period of time in pets to be safe. I just don't see the need to put pets into a potentially dangerous situation by administering drugs that change their brain chemistry when there are many other alternative therapies that are safe, gentle and effective if their use is recommended by an experienced and properly trained practitioner.

I would really like to tell you that there's an instant cure for a kitty that's gone through so much in her short life, but the reality is that these issues will gradually disappear with time, patience, TLC and the use of homeopathy and possibly other alternative therapies (depending on what's available in your area). There is a homeopathic vet on the Ask A Vet portion of this site by the name of Dr. Christine Chambreau ~ she does phone and email consults within the US for a fee, however if you're not prepared to go this route you can certainly ask Dr Chambreau if she's able to recommend a holistic practitioner in your area because she does have her own list of resources throughout the US. In the meantime I'm more than willing to offer an empathetic ear and any solutions that might be useful for any behavioral issues that you might see over the next while with your newly adopted feline friend. If you've got any further cat related questions or concerns I'd be more than willing to help you out to the best of my ability if the issues are within the scope of my experience so please don't hesitate to contact me again.