Suffering & guilt

Question
QUESTION: Hi Sandra. This isn't a question, I just need some help getting closure. I have spent many hours reading your answers to questions and value your opinion highly.  I have lost my rat, Reggie. He was my first rat.  He was 2 yrs 7 mths.  I spent all the time I had with him completely devoted to giving him the best life possible.  He was so happy, healthy and lively.  Two months ago we moved from England to Ireland (Dublin). I immediately set out trying to find a vet.  We took him to see one, but I was very disappointed. I knew Reggie had hind leg degeneration which had started about 4 weeks prior to seeing the vet.  The vet didn't have a clue and said he'd do some research and gave us rimadyl.  I didn't use the rimadyl - how could I trust this vet. After 2 weeks of chasing him for an answer (just for interest sake) he told us that Reggie had spinal degeneration and gave us Metacam. I didn't start the Metacam as I wanted to do more research and knew at his age, with the possibility of kidney issues, it would be more harmful. After some research, I found out about another Vet that could be better for rats. Around Christmas, we discovered a lump on Reggie's side and I thought I better get that checked out and would try the new vet.  They did seem to be more enthusiastic about rats but the rest of the experience was awful.  They didn't have a special section for small animals like rats.  Reggie had to endure the big door alarm - which made him jump out his skin, barking dogs, general noise.  While we were in the consult room, staff just kept coming in and out and banging things and he was getting stressed. Anyway, the vet said she thought he had arthritis and the lump was probably just fatty tissue. I went home relieved that there was nothing seriously wrong with Reggie. He has always been my shiny, bright-eyed boy. He did take awhile to trust us completely again though and kept jumping for any noise. However, on New Years day (2 days after the vet visit) he suddenly got ill.  And then everything went against us.  The day he got ill, we were snowed in.  The following day I phoned the 2nd vet (who was alone at the practice and very harrassed) and they said we should try Baytril. They thought he had an infection. I'm not even sure of the dosage - they diluted it and only gave 3 days worth - it didn't do anything.  The first vet would not get back to us.  I didn't know what to do.  Take him to another vet, suffer the stress, cause more harm - and they might not know what to do anyway?  Hope he'll get better? Hope that if its his time, he'll go peacefully. It was very traumtic and we just didn't know what the right thing would be. Being so old, I thought anything we did would be stressful and harmful. I researched on the internet for anything and everything I could find. Well, being a tough little boy and a fighter, he lived 5 days. During this time, he was very lethargic, would take one step and then have to rest, was eating only what I gave him (mainly baby foods and mashed foods). He also had a convulsing episode about every 6 hours or so. But he also showed signs of being ok. He wasn't puffed up. He was still bright eyed. He still stuck his head out over his hammock to watch me. He still cleaned himself as best he could.  He was still peeing and pooping - and mostly getting out of his hammock to do that. He still stretched out on my lap to get tickles. I was trying to take my lead from him - he seemed to be happy at home. On the last day, he slept peacefully on my chest and enjoyed some watermelon.  That evening he started convulsing and looked very stressed.  He stopped eating and drinking completely. We debated going to the vet - but what about the stress for him.  And would they do what we wanted (humane euthanasia) or would we have to argue with them.  And would he survive the trip to the vet? And what would be worse? It was a traumatic 30-45 minutes where he struggled to live and eventually died in my arms.  I feel I have let him down completely. I feel that the wonderful life he had was ruined in his last days and that all he will remember is that I let him suffer and die scared and traumatised.  I feel guilt like no other.  My husband says that maybe if we'd taken him to the vet, we would be feeling guilt too that we hadn't left him at home to die with us and in the surroundings he knew. I can't stop searching the internet for help. I know you have had some experiences of death at home but would rather rats didn't go through that.  I wonder if the trip to the vet started this chain reaction - the stress.  I wonder if he had heart failure.  I wonder if a vet out there would've been able to help him. If only I'd know, if only I'd been prepared. Your thoughts would be so appreciated - and especially honesty.  If I have to live with knowing I let my baby boy down, then I will.  I also wish his death would not be in vain and that I could somehow help other rat owners in Dublin to go to a good vet right away or maybe try get these other vets to sort out their practices to better accommodate small animals like rats and even be better educated on rats.

ANSWER: Your story made me cry.  Listen, you did NOT let your little man down. Many rats die this way, struggling to breathe, leaving us with a haunting memory embedded in our brains for the rest of our lives.  With all of my  experience, I refer to what I do when my rats go through this as the "death drive" which is when I am in my car with a hypoxic rat, racing down the road going illegally fast while my precious rat gasps in my ear.  I usually make it to the ER clinic on time only to hear them announce bodly that they do not see rats. When I remind them that he simply needs put out of his misery but needs oxygenated while they are getting their act together they usually comply.  When you dont have a good vet or a facility close  by that can handle these emergencies, we always beat ourselves up when they pass. Rats sometimes die peacefully in their sleep, I have only been lucky enough a few times out of owning hundred rats plus over the years.  Most of them had to be put to sleep and many of them had seizures and panic attacks beforehand, sometimes dying in my arms while en route to the clinic.
You did ALL that you could do for your boy and you were a very good rat owner. He lived to be closer to 3 years old, you gave him medical attention when he needed it. It wasnt your fault the doctors are not good with rats. There are only 130 certified avian/exotic vets in the entire world with the majority of them in the US. They also do not focus on small exotic companion mammal specialty like the US is doing.  More vets need to be made aware that people are more than willing to bring their small mammals to their clinic but so many vets fear if they waste their time on an exotic specialty which in the US is an additional 4 years of schooling etc....they dont bother doing it mainly for fear it wont be worth the effort. Others will attend workshops and seminars on exotic companion mammals once known as "pocket pets" which is a term loosly used now, almost being an insult to both the small mammal owner and the animal almost implying the animal is a disposable pet when in reality, their tab can extend well into the thousands of dollars. Thats no joke.  So, they now refer to them as small exotic companion mammals....alot harder to say than pocket pet, thats for sure.

As for the rimadyl, there it is, typical dog and cat vet treating rats like dogs. Some vets use it for rats, but Its NOT for rats. I am glad you did not give it to them. Good call!  There are many  side effects that go along with it and it is very nephrotoxic for rats, even more than metacam is (if used long term, that is)


I do think your rat had heart disease. He may have hand spinal degeneration but he may have also had thrown some blood clots which also stopped him from using his hind legs. This is commonly seen with heart disease. He may have had a stroke, which explains the seizure he had.  
Was he congested before all of this occured leading the vet to think he had active infection?

It doesnt matter now, because to be honest, I think that he would have suffered had he been treated for heart disease, always being winded and never wanting to interact with anyone really other than for some attention.  His appetite would deminish,he would lose weight rapdidly,becoming weaker as each day passes despite medications for his heart that he could take safely. On the other hand, chances are remote that in your neck of the woods these medications are even approved for use in rats such as enalapril, lasix or atenolol. Again, even if they are available, many rats with heart disease live a very sullen life...thats no way for a rat that was once lively and bouncing all over the place, climbing like Spider man all over the cage, to live.  He would not want that if he were given the choice, just like we dont, as humans, want to live that way either.
As for Vets,
Dr. Bairbre O'Malley whos info is listed below, has an awesome place. I hope she is somewhere near  you so you can possibly take your rats to her.
         
Facility: Bairbre O'Malley Veterinary Hospital
Address: Ronoc House Kilmantain Place Bray Co. Wicklow
Phone: 00 353 1 272 3857 00 353 1 272 3857 Website: www.veterinary.ie          Again please do NOT beat yourself up for anything that may have happened with your beloved rat. It happened now, it may happen again, and as much as it hurts that these little rats love hard and die harder sometimes, the fact that we were able to love them at all is enough to keep us going as rat lovers.


REVISED:

I am SO excited to announce that the vet I have listed is only 34 minutes from Dublin, so you can indeed see this Doctor for other rats.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------


Reggie   QUESTION: Hi Sandra

Just wanted to send you a picture of my darling boy.

Michelle


Louie, my first rat I   ANSWER:
Thank you for sharing Reggies picture  He was adorable. My first rat, Louie, had that same face. So sweet, that even someone that is absolutely terrified of rats, ( you know, the kind of people that jump up on chairs and scream bloody murder??)  would melt if they look at Louie. Reggie has that same look!!  You know what that is, of course, dont you?  Its L*O*V*E my dear.  That glimmer of love and that spirit of life they have in their eyes. That spark that all rats have and that all rat owners are familiar with.  I once sat here and sobbed when someone wrote to me about losing her beloved little rat. She told me she held her close, and she kept looking down at her little girl. Her eyes were open. Finally, her heart just stopped beating and she said that spark in her eyes grew dim.  Man oh man did I sit at this computer and tears just streamed down my face, burning my eyes (the eyeliner and mascara are NOT water proof thank you very much!!) but I knew that rat owner truly knew what it meant to know and love a rat when she wrote that.  Sad as it was....it was also so beautiful and so very true.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hello again.  

Louie is adorable - definitely the same face as Reggie.  Reggie did some converting of people in his time too -there are a lot of sad people out there. My Dad was too upset to be able to speak to me - my parents live in South Africa, but they visited for a month 2 years ago and got to meet Reggie.  He took to my Dad instantly and the 2 couldn't be separated.  Another friend of my Mom's couldn't even look at a photo of a rat (without being terrified), and now she eagerly awaits photos and updates on Reggie.

If I want to tell someone how amazing rats are, its hard to find the words - the words that will perfectly describe what wonderful, intelligent, mischievious, joyous, amazing, life changing creatures they are. It is the love and the spark - and how they can cheer you up in an instant. How I miss my Reggie.  

My husband read your replay to my original question and he has found a lot of comfort in your words.  You are an amazing person. Thank you so much for all you have done.

Answer

My Precious Peanut   I am glad you were able to have some comfort. Time heals, trust me. It does get better. If you get more rats  you will feel better too.  I know it doesnt sound like it is something you want to think about, but if you are without them, dont be for too long.

My husband stopped wanting to interact with my rats years ago. He fell in love with our of our boys, Peanut.  He had this giant personality, always bruxing and he loved to lick lick lick lick like crazy.  he would flop down on your chest, curl up and sleep for two hours while you reclined back in the chair and watched a movie.  he would brux in his sleep!!

One day, after putting him back in his cage after play time, a strange noise came from his cage. I had no idea where it was coming from and my son screamed "PEANUT!!!!!!!"  I turned to the cage and there my precious boy was, dead.  Eyes open, mouth open, tongue out.  DEAD!
You want to talk about someone freaking out?  I think I snapped a screw loose for a short time.  I did not cry. I just kept saying "no no no no  no no no not Peanut, no he isnt dead, this did not happen" and I carried him around for TWO HOURS in a baby blanket. I sat in the chair with him and rocked him.  Everyone kept looking at me like "uh...Mom has gone nuts on us" and my husband knew not to say a peep but to let me do this my way.  he went out to the garage and made a little coffin for him.  Finally my husband took control of me and said it was time to put him down and to hand him over.  I went nuts on him and started to cry saying that I will never see him, hold him or feel him again....he was only  14 months old.  We put him  in the refrigerator all wrapped up so I could not see him anymore and took his remains to the vet in the morning for a necropsy.  He had a heart attack, plain and simple.  Probably born with a heart defect and was a walking time bomb.
My husband cried for three days and vowed to never let himself get attached to a pet with such a strong personality but will break your heart in a year or two....and he hasnt.  
My rats are shy of strangers for the most part, seeing only my face on a daily basis.  They warm up to people after they trust them, it takes a few minutes, but they wont let anyone just reach in and grab them. The boys I have now are just 8 months old, I have a page on them on Critter city under WATCH MY BOYS GROW.
Anyhow, I will always miss Peanut and always tear up thinking of him and he died in 2004!!!