Express Your Love by Expressing Your Dog – The Dirt on a Dog-owners’ Dirtiest Job

There is a dreadful substance inside your dog’s butt that’s
aching to get out, and unless you rise to this disgusting
challenge, consequences can be dire.

It’s called expressing your dog, and it is a chore so foul
that it was recently featured on the Discovery Channel’s
“Dirty Jobs.” Actually, “dirty” hardly does the situation
justice.

If your dog is chewing and biting “back there” or dragging
its rump across the ground, chances are he is in need of a
little expression – of his sphincter glands, that is.

Dogs have special glands that secrete an especially – shall
we say – fragrant substance into their poop. It’s what
makes a dog’s poop her own, and it’s what dogs sniff for
when they are investigating other dogs’ rears or their
droppings.

Problems occur when these glands get clogged up. The musky
fluid begins to collect, and the dogs begin to experience
irritating pressure and pain – like a turbo case of
hemorrhoids.

Usually, the dog is able to express – or squeeze out – some
of the fluid and get the glands flowing again. If your dog
has ever been inexplicably stinky – almost like he has
gotten into rotten fish or something, then chances are
you’ve experienced a do-it-yourself expression job.

If you’re lucky, the sacred event took place outside, but
just as often the residue ends up saturating carpet or
expensive furniture. Yum!

Things get worse if the dog is unable to alleviate the
problem, and the situation goes unchecked. As you might
imagine, this can be an excruciating experience for your
dog. Finally, you will most likely be saddled with an
expensive vet bill, and your dog will end up needing a most
uncomfortable surgical procedure.

Getting Down to Dirty Business

All of this can be easily avoided by a little human
intervention. Expressing a dog is a simple enough procedure
– it’s the mental challenge that is most difficult to
overcome. Vile fluids squirting from a dog’s butt is
certainly not a mental image you’d want to hold during
meditation or anything.

Honestly, it’s really not bad. The liquid smells like fish,
not …uh …you know. It’s mostly clear liquid, and it rinses
pretty easily. It doesn’t have the staying power of the
substance that cats spray (which is truly disgusting!).

Finding the glands is easy. If the butt hole itself is the
center of a clock, the two glands sit at the four and eight
o’clock positions about two inches from the “center.” From
the outside (and it is strongly suggested you stay outside,
even though vets usually venture in), they feel like kidney
beans, although distended glands can get significantly
larger.

Before you dive in, I can hardly stress enough the
importance of pointing the dog’s bottom away from you and
anything else you care about. Also, make sure you have
something to wash the dog and your surroundings down after
the procedure. If it’s warm, take the dog outside; if it’s
cold, a shower stall that has a rinse hose is a good option.

I can recommend two expressing techniques. First, the
upward thrust: position your thumb and forefinger each under
one gland; push in to make sure your digits are firmly fixed
under each; then give a strong lift, squeezing the glands
upward. If you are successful, usually you will be rewarded
with a good squirt – about the same as a squirt gun.
Sometimes the fluid gets sludgy, in which case a small black
worm of crud will emerge. Repeat a few times as required to
make sure you’ve emptied both glands thoroughly.

If this technique does not produce the desired result, then
you should try the more direct approach: pinching each gland
separately, squeezing both sides toward the middle. Expect
similar results as when using the first technique.

Do it Yourself?

If you are too squeamish to contemplate perpetrating such an
abomination, you will be happy to know that professional
help is available. Most groomers are willing to render this
value-added service for a small consideration during a
regular grooming; failing that, your local vet can certainly
perform the ritual, but usually at a higher fee.

I find, however, that my own dogs (three pugs) seem to
appreciate my keeping this very personal need of theirs
within the confines of the family. When I first started
doing the expression thing myself, I wore what amounted to a
home-made hazmat suit, but over the years my resolve has
stiffened quite a bit.

Nowadays, I generally don’t even bother with gloves. I just
take the dogs outside next to the hose and aim them away. A
quick squirt and rinse and the job’s done. No big deal,
really. It’s a small price to pay for a happy, comfortable
dog – who seem to appreciate me all the more for it.

Randal Breaux runs the Internet Pug Club, an online community of pug lovers, featuring articles like this one… plus special screen savers, browser start pages, electronic greeting cards, and special merchandise – all featuring the almighty pug. Other breed lovers are welcome.

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