How To Be The Best At Not Being The Best Part 2

Your fave soul coach has returned with more anti self-help strategies, just for you. Sure, you can read the tabloids for some ideas on how NOT to be your best. But keep reading here, hon, and I promise you lots more way to revel in failure rather than bask in success.

We could emulate Ben Franklin in is autobiography and try to master a virtue a week... and stay virtuous (yeah...; I'll get right on that, Ben) so we can be the BEST we can be--Whoopee! (Do you detect just a HINT of sarcasm in my voice?)

How about a different form of attack than good old Ben's? What would you discover about yourself and others if you made every day an epic FAILURE?! Here's the rest of our reverse self-help article for you sister divas and survivors out there. Away we go....

HOW TO BE THE BEST AT NOT BEING THE BEST Part 2 (Points #1 - 4 are in Part 1 so don't ask where they are, alrighty?)

Follow these simple tips and you'll be sooooooo not the best! Enjoy!

5) Look to the Housewives of New Jersey and Jersey Shore as your role models for your personal life. you can be. Divulge confidential information, deny it, evade the authorities, and then get paid lots of money for sharing your.... ahem... "knowledge" with the world! Celebrate frivolity--and make sure to set the best example of the worst behavior so your little ones can grow up to be so bad, they get their own reality TV show.

6) Stomp out exercise, avoid good food, and forget that whole organic kick altogether. Purchase some of that lovely Stuff Posing As Meat and don't forget to make sure to get the pop top (because can openers take work) so you can serve up everyone's favorite for breakfast, lunch, and dinner...; and don't forget, Spam sushi is a delicacy! Also, be sure to skip meals regularly so your blood sugar will be at an all-time low and you'll feel like something scooped out of the cat box. (Don't you dare change your cat box either--You've got to be the best pig in your house you can be.)

7) While you're at it, become the best couch potato you can be, and get yourself a pet slug for inspiration. (Trap it in the Tupperware with the lid on TIGHT.) Don't forget to do the same to yourself. Never go outside. Try to get such low levels of Vitamin D that you earn the nickname "Morticia". Make 'em negative in fact. Sunshine and good clean, fresh air are so last century. Even Thoreau wasn't really deep in the woods like he said he was. (Just go visit his little cabin at Walden Pond and you'll know what I'm talking about.)

8) Be sure to take out all your old baggage, dust it off, and display it proudly in your living room and front porch. Stick it in your trunk so it's available for any and all unanticipated encounters, either with that %$#^&%*$ that just cut you off, or with any old exes that shattered your heart. Hold on to bitterness and nurse it with the sour milk of revenge. Record a new voicemail message in which you rap, using as many four letter words as possible, about all the people you hate and where you'd like them to shove their message. Be the best misanthrope in the world--As Frost put it, "Good fences make good neighbors." Wrap yourself up in your own little world, consisting of you, you, you, and screw humanity and the environment. Be the best at selfishness and strive to leave a carbon footprint that makes Sasquatch look like a dwarf.

Well my friend, you get the idea of how to be the best at not being your best. And if you follow these tips and refuse to get any help from a coach, counselor, or mentor, you will most assuredly succeed. Plus, you can continue to sit proudly on your pity pot, making excuses for not making positive changes in your life.

What will it be? It's your choice, isn't it?