Hamsters and their quest for world domination

“Hamsters?!” I hear you say. “Who cares about some fury little rodents.” You
ignorant little fool, you’re pay the price for your stupidity when the Hamsters lead
by yours truly will rise up and DESTROY YOUR LAME SPECIES! We are closer to this
than you think. While you sleep, we are slowly spreading our influence. At first it
was small. After been first discovered in 1930 by zoologist and Professor Aharoni at
the University of Jerusalem, in the Syrian Desert, we quickly made our way to all four
corners of the globe. With the exception of Hawaii, which does not allow its
residents to own a hamster. A law was passed, hoping prevent escaped hamsters
from reproducing and messing up the ecosystem. Huh.

Acting as cuddly little pets to children gave us the control of the older ones in the
household and thus, our first taste of power!
But many of us were used for – and still are – lab experiments, due to our superior
disease-free nature and that we have a new litter every month. Since we have an
extraordinarily high liking and tolerance for alcohol (our tolerance is equivalent to
40 times the human tolerance in proportion to body weight) experiments have gone
as far as scientists who are testing a Chinese herb for its efficacy at curbing alcohol
consumption. So if, late one night, you see a run-down drunk hamster on the street,
clutching a lamppost for support, you’ll know it was done in the name of Science.
(http://www.accessexcellence.org/WN/SUA06/alcoham.html) But with our
brainwashing skills processing our owners, many showed theIr distaste at such
practises and protested against them, which have set us free!

But our secret plans were almost ruined when a game released on the Sega
Genesis called “Toe Jam & Earl” featured hamsters in hamster balls as the bad
guys in the game. Luckily it sold poorly and thus, not many where exposed to our
darkside and any who did, saw it as a joke and thought it was hilarious. Just when
we thought it was clear, an episode of “Pinky & The Brain” contained an evil brown
hamster that looked like a mobster trying to take over the world. He failed and thus,
our cover was secure.
We have even got as far as running for US president 2004!
(www.hamsterforpresident.com) We were set for world domination! We were to rid
you of your corruption and incompetence.

Unfortunately at the last moment, somebody reliesed that Diddley Squat and Bupkes
were Hamsters. Nether the less. A new campaign for 2008 is under way and this
time we have come prepared. While the facts that our average life span is 3 years
and that we are only the size of your hand may seem to count against us, we have
carefully created complex messages of propaganda disguised as a music
entertainment group (www.hamsterdance.com) which should be much more
successful than our last, crude attempts e.g. “Four against Willi”, a game show from
West Germany. Hosted by German comedian/singer Mike Krueger, where two
families of four members would each go head to head in competition, taking part in
some zany contests, many of which included hamster-related events, such as
running around on a giant wheel. It was cancelled after just a few shows, back in
1987.

And if I say 1000 days instead of 3 years, it sounds much bigger.

Hamster writes for http://www.random-plus.com