Kids Birthday Party Ideas
Preparing A Disaster Plan.
You would think, wouldn't you, that the main aim of a Children's Birthday Party or, for that Matter, any Children's Party, was to make sure that the "little darlings" have a lovely time.
Well, I'm going to let you into a secret, It's Not.
The primary objective of a Children's Party is to ensure that the adults present stay alive and maintain some perceptible level of sanity and that the house the party is held in remains an insurable piece of real estate.
No matter how much money you spend on entertainment for your children's birthday party - bouncing castles, magicians, The Rolling Stones, live elephant rides - the "little darlings" are going to prefer climbing anything that projects from the outside of your house, smothering the cat with 'silly string', feeding the $1700 pedigree dog play-dough or hurling sticky food at passing old aged pensioners.
The older children, those over the age of eight, will be behind the garden shed smoking your lawn clippings.
If you are unfortunate enough to have a swimming pool, the water in it will be the colour of very weak tea by the end of the festivities and you'll have to get the hazardous waste experts in to sanitize it for you and stop it being a mortal danger to indigenous wildlife.
The most popular entertainers, at children's parties, are the clowns. I'm sure that you've all heard the song "The Tears of a Clown". That song was written by an entertainer at children's birthday parties.
You can never hire a clown for a mid-week party as they're all in specially set up, Mental Health Department Funded, Clown Sanatoriums receiving intensive electric shock treatment to get them ready for the next Saturday afternoon's gig.
I feel sorry for the poor mothers who have to officiate on these perilous occasions. Hours and hours spent baking delicacies only to find that the guests prefer throwing and wearing the food rather than eating it. It would make any mother wish that she'd piled the table high with half-bricks covered with icing and hundreds and thousands.
If the party started at 2pm, by 3.45 all the mothers are huddled together in the bathroom taking turns at swigging from the gallon flagon of cooking sherry. They're safe in the bathroom, the kids won't want the bathroom, why should they? There's a perfectly good swimming pool outside.
The fathers are, of course, doing their best. They've either gone fishing or are in the pub watching the football.
Let The Festivities Commence!
"Cry havoc and let loose the dogs of war".
I suppose that I should, at this point, start giving you some ideas on how to stop this chaotic event turning into a full scale disaster that necessitates the mobilisation of the National Guard and all other emergency services.
Let's have a look at a few 'damage control' ideas.
Firstly it is a terrific help if you, or someone close to you, has a military background.
Preferably Special Forces and ideally the British SAS. This will give them at least a semblance of a chance of coming through the celebrations alive.
Planning is the name of the game for these fiascos. They have to be planned, well in advance, with military precision. I wouldn't go so far as to suggest snipers on the garage roof, but just about everything short of that.
One of the major problems is to make sure that the children's party keeps ALL CHILDREN occupied at ALL TIMES. There must never be any lull in the proceedings.
Un-occupied children cause havoc. It was un-occupied children that caused the downfall of the Roman Empire, the Black Plague, both World Wars, Country and Western Music and the invention of the musical doorbell.
Keep them occupied! The children's birthday party must flow like high grade lubricating oil. It is essential that as one organised activity ends, another starts. Never, ever, give the "little darlings" time to think of what they'd 'really' like to be doing.
Allowing children to decide what 'they' want to do is inviting a disaster of monumental proportions unless the orange juice has been liberally laced with valium. Your children's party will make the American Revolution look like a casual disagreement between two three-toed sloths.
Bored children at a children's birthday party would mean the end of civilisation as we know it. Keep them busy, give them no time to think, heaven help us all if boredom sets in.
Make a timetable, have all the weaponry required for each activity prepared and in cardboard boxes, in chronological order. For example - sack race 3.10 start - 3.20 finish - egg and spoon race 3.20.03 start and so on.
Did you notice? Only 3 seconds between events, any more than this and boredom sets in. Goldfish have a three second memory span, children, at children's parties, have a three second 'unoccupied quiet time' span. Any longer than three seconds and, well, you get the idea.....
You can give each of the children an empty cardboard box to take home with them. Just tell them it's a special present. This saves a lot on cleaning up after the party.
